i recently watched a show, which described a friend as 'someone you can call anytime and share a joke, or tell your problems to'. i realise, i have been using the term 'friend' too loosely. i don't have many friends. i have acquaintances. i find it hard to swallow how some people claim they're your 'friend' when in reality, you know that they really don't know anything about you. here's a simple test i use to judge whether or not you're a friend... if a friend went missing one day, would you know where to find him or her? knowing that answer could just save a life.

i don't need a threat, just some trust....

realising that my vocabulary is extremely limited and has had no growth in recent years is worrying. i must start reading again, and more genres at that. i'd love to re read all my classics like jane eyre, the portrait of dorian gray, little women, pride and prejudice... but i just can't seem to find all my books!

a family is supposed to be full of love, yet these days, families seem to be full of politics instead. what are we doing to ourselves?

i don't understand the concept of 'saving face'. it is so ridiculous. because at the end of the day, we all didn't really have much 'face' to begin with. and no one really cares.

uni? work? pressure from all angles.

i just want to live. is that too much to ask?

cheers.

she tries, maybe not hard enough
to be content and pleased
with what she sees
she wonders why this doesn't cease

this standard and decree
crying to her in a desperate plea
for correction and destruction
conflicting voices want her to be

bottled up or yelled out
they both get shut down
by critical ones
so the mirror sees

is it a distortion or is it truth?
they're both so loud, they've got her confused
both ways are wrong so which is right?
please remove the veil and give her back her sight

just some time away
for peace and rest
yet she's constantly troubled
not even a day at best

give her a break and she'll find her mind
let her rest give her some time
she's been running for a tad too long
just a short rest before the dawn

sometimes time heals, and sometimes it doesn't.

most often, we are the culprits to our own problems.

cheers.

study break. i find it amusing how those 2 words contradict each other so much and yet are placed together. studying does not equate to a break, and a break does not equate to studying. HAHA. oh well.

my room light is spoilt and i'm relying on my table lamp to provide me with the required light. it's still too dark for me. i love bright places when i'm awake, and pitch darkness when i'm asleep.

i'm turning 20 soon. and i've got just one wish.... i just want to be happy. not fake happy, not momentary happiness... but genuine happiness in every fibre of my being.

i thought i had it all figured out... i was gonna graduate from poly, go to sot, go to uni, and get a job. but now..... i withdrew from sot, am not applying for uni, and am just searching for a job. i just can't stand seeing people suffering and not being able to do anything cos i don't have the means to. i want to help. i want to be there. i want to help those who can't help themselves. but to do that, i first need to acquire the means.

what if success wasn't measured by the number of cars you had or the size of your bank account, but rather by the number of people you've helped and the number of times you've shown compassion and love to even the most undeserving? would you be successful?

i wish bolsters could hug back. the world would be a happier place.

i want to travel because the world is too beautiful not to see and explore. i want to know what God made on the other side.

i miss E378, i really do.

i went to fix my back, and found out that i had 3 slipped discs, L3,L4 and L5, and that if it wasn't corrected, i wouldn't be able to give birth in the future. and i could have been paralysed. amazes me how God preserved me through these 7 years, and how i managed to tolerate all that pain.

i wish driving was like walking; that we'd all be able to do it naturally.

must. stay. positive. will. not. type. anything. negative.

cheers.

it would seem that i've become too open and vulnerable of late. i wonder what's gotten into me. i just want to be free, but i'm trapped as a price of the freedom of others. in a situation like this, is it right to tell the truth and cause destruction, or lie to maintain the peace? tough call.

the end is near and i can sense it, so why am i still walking when i ought to be running? being a good finisher isn't always easy.

reading 'solitary refinement' by robb thompson. i love a good read! (:

these 4 days flew by way too fast. wish i had more time to rest!

i see a bookshelf full of books and i'd love if i could just stay at home and read them all.. but life just isn't that simple.

it's 2am, and i wish i could stay up all night. but i'm not getting any younger, and i need my sleep! goodnight world!

cheers!

today was the first cgm of the year, but also the last cgm for E378. looking back at these 5 years, i would never expect that today would be the end. it's such a bittersweet feeling. i know i ought to be excited for greater things to come, but nothing will ever compare to my very first cg. i guess in my 19 plus years of existence, i've come to realise the hard truth; that everyone i hold dear to me will eventually leave me. this race is really me and God. He's the only one who's ever been constant. God help me again, please... to cross this hurdle and get over to the other side victorious.

i wish i was dreaming, but i'm not.

one of the worst things in life is being forced into a group with an acquaintance whom you have no intention of establishing a personal relationship with.

it just wont be the same.

cheers.

i really want to go to australia but i still don't have a job :( knowing how awesome my self-esteem is, it's inevitable that i blame myself. i just don't get it. am i really that unemployable? i am 19, not 62. i shouldn't be having that much of a problem getting a job. i'm not even asking to be a manager, just any job that would take me. besides f&b because i really can't stand looking at and smelling food for extended periods of time. i just want a job, is that too much to ask? i need to save so that i can travel. i cannot stand being stuck in one country for so long. it's driving me crazy. please let me get a job.... please please please!

i guess your job is more important than i'll ever be. then again, i don't blame you.

i went for a jog just now and i really can't run. my gastric started to attack me like a lion on a rampage. totally sucks.

i don't know anymore.

stressed is an understatement.

earl gray keeps me sane.

Jesus, i really need Your help. i am falling apart.

Broken-Lifehouse

"i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart, that's still bleeding
in the pain, i find healing
in Your name, i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely, holding on to You."

cheers.

this is a rant, you have been warned.

i really don't want to go to school tomorrow cos there are NO LESSONS. but, thanks to my @#$^%##%&*!!! group, who wants to meet tomorrow, i've got to wake up early and drag myself to school to draft ONE STUPID RESOLUTION!!!! bahhhh. sometimes i wonder why the school even bothers with group work. seriously, can we just do it ourselves?

i don't know why but for some reason, no one wants to employ me :( i need to work so i have financial freedom. i cannot stand not having the money to do the things that i want. argh. need to travel.

school has become crazy. i've got idk how many projects, tests, napfa, assignments...... all to be done in like 4 weeks. we're humans, not law machines. i don't churn out cases and statutes and brilliant answers to all the retarded hypothetical cases that will never ever happen! ARGH.

i am so tired that i just want to hibernate. sleep and never wake up. Jesus take me home.

there's gotta be more to life.

still undecided over uni. to me, being financially stable is more important than a degree. i can take a degree anytime. i'm still young. but my parents are gonna get older and i need to be financially able to support them asap. of course, most people don't subscribe to my logic, but then again, i'm not trying to get any support.

need a job. need a break.

cheers.

i have to do a divorce project and quite frankly i can't bring myself to. it's too close for comfort. reading the facts of the case just brought back so many memories it was as if i was re-living the past. i had this mad urge to stop reading halfway through but had to continue cos it's a project and it's due on friday. i guess some wounds never really heal. even with time. it just is what it is. gotta be stronger.

my too close for comfort feeling came during christmas too.... at chc's drama. the story was good and all... but once again, it struck on chords that were broken and wounded. it was painful to watch to say the least. you know how you watch dramas and you know everything's just an act and everything works out in the end and there's always a happy ending.... well life ain't that pretty.

i guess..... i just have to suck it up and deal with it. there's nothing else to do than to move forward and stay strong, and be strong and well...... if all else fails, at least learn to act strong in a really convincing way. acting has got me through many many things. i guess it's only in my blog that i'm this honest. cos in real life i'd just maintain a poker face, plaster on a smile and say i'm alright. once again, it just is what it is.

for some reason, i felt like being honest today. here i am, exposed, vulnerable.... human. 'don't judge a book by its cover'.... it works both ways.

cheers.

i get tired really easily... like.... by 9pm i'm dead tired and can fall asleep anywhere even if i get up only at 3pm. right now i'm fighting to stay awake and attempting to do my wills project but to no avail. studying law can be quite depressing at times. i'm 19 and i'm drafting a will and filing divorce papers. well, for projects that is... but still... i feel like crashing and i really don't know why. something is weirdly wrong with my body. my temperature yesterday was 34.8 degrees... LOL.

school really does get more stressful as it approaches the end... especially with everyone talking about uni and what they're gonna do after poly. 2 more months... and i know they're gonna be super tiring. it's one thing to run a race you're passionate about, but it's another thing when you're running not for yourself but simply to please others. it's exhausting.

okay, i'm gonna drown myself with the facts of the case. oh joy.

cheers.

Happy New Year! i'm believing for greater breakthroughs this year and i know that better things are yet to come! 2011 will be great! hope it is for you too!

OMG I'M GONNA BE 20 THIS YEAR. runs around in circles. this cannot happen. i am old. ARGH!!!!!! crap crap crap. i'm having the big 2 crisis. help!!!! this cannot happen. i cannot get old!!! BAH.

i feel so lost without an organizer... should i get the one from kikki k???

my dad asked me to go jogging and gym more often. hmmmmmmmmm. HAHAHAHA.

my love is still in phuket!!! come home soon please!!!

cheers!